Well, today the monotony of the endless fields of rice, the unsettledness from unpacking and repacking, the lack of connection with others and/or the physical and emotional toll of day after day walking took its toll on me and I found myself feeling emotionally worn and emotionally down in my spirit by late morning.

As I wrestled with those feelings walking down a very familiar singular, lonely rut in a two-rut dirt road, I sensed something behind me and saw two pilgrims approaching on bikes. Finally! Other people! I noticed as they approached that they appeared to be a couple my age, clearly pilgrims with bags on their e-bikes with the familiar Via Francigena logo “bumper sticker” (they’re on all the poles and other non-sign notices indicating a pilgrim is on the correct route – on the trails in the States, we’d call them blazes). As soon as my enthusiasm for fellow travelers peaks, I welcome them with a hearty “Bongiorno!” and they return the volley “Bongiorno!” and they ride off into the horizon. The woman has a look like “I’d love to stop and chat, but …”. No chatting. No swapping “Where are you from?” or “Why are you pilgriming?” or “How long are you hiking/riding?” Nope. Just passing through. And I capture them heading off to …[somewhere; I don’t know; we didn’t have that conversation]. Damn e-bikes. Inhumane. You can hear it in my disappointed voice:

So, my fellow pilgrims move away from me like an Apollo team headed into orbit and I’m left alone again. Remember, I’m an only child. I chose to do this pilgrimage largely alone. I normally live for the moment I can steal some time alone. And … I’m craving any form of meaningful human interaction. I’m down. Feeling the fullness of my human aloneness (thank you for clarifying that term for me Clint). And, this is good news.

Yep, when I thought about how I wanted to spend a month in Italy (bucket list/mid-life crisis, etc.). I imaged finding a place in Tuscany I could rent for a month and spend time with Karen and invite friends to visit and read and journal. But, after a fair bit of wrestling and [very supportive and gracious on her part] conversations with Karen and my therapist, I became convinced what I needed was a hard-core pilgrimage. Not a cushy celebration of mid-life (career goals met, empty nest, etc.), but a very challenging time of getting further into the work I’d/we’d been working on in counseling and continuing a journey of spiritual maturity/growth and everything else you undertake when you reflect on a life lived and question the life that remains ahead. I had tasted a bit of this wrestling with a pilgrimage with friends in 2019 over 10 days in Spain, but I wanted to go deeper. I wanted to, in a way, get to the end of myself and find my limits. Today, the anticipated circumstances of this pilgrimages took me to places I would not have gone in my “normal” world in which I’m in control as “executive/professional/resourced/______ [fill in blanks].”

So, today’s emotions are good news. Not because I enjoy or even desire these emotions but they’re expected and a necessary part of a pilgrimage. This pilgrimage is breaking me down into my humanity; my feelings; my emotions. That’s my life’s work these days … learning to feel what I feel … being fully-alive emotionally. For lots of reasons in my life, that hasn’t been okay – feelings, emotions. I’ve literally made a living ignoring them (emotions) or repressing them or otherwise pushing them out of the way in favor of productivity, efficiency and effectiveness. Emotions aren’t data-driven (my role, professionally, depends upon data-driven decisions), yet emotions drive every decision we make whether we admit it or not. We’re human. We were made to be alive emotionally. We can’t really live a life fully without them (trust me, I’ve tried) and be human (sometimes I’ve acted as if I’m not). We can’t make non-emotional decisions or live a live void of emotions.

So, my fellow pilgrims move on and I’m left walking with my feelings, emotions, thoughts … [thought bubbles- because there is no one to talk with about my emotions] “E-bikes … that really is the best way to quickly get through this monotony.” “Next time …”. “What was I thinking … this is too far.” My thoughts run wild with questioning and self-contempt for a good 30 minutes as I work my way to Tromello.

In Tromello, I’m met for the second time today with an open church door to one of these centuries old churches and I’m taken (emotionally, in my spirit) with the beauty and history and imagination of this place.

The first church I encounter in the day is in Remondo, pictured below.

In my previous 9 Days, we’d not encountered open churches. Yet, today, I’m being practically pulled/led into these historically rich churches. Mind you, I’m not walking through major religious centers or major religious structures with throngs of other tourists. These are community churches built centuries ago by the faithful and hopeful with the same questions and hopes and fears we possess today. I’m moved by the age of the churches and their interiors and the imagination of the souls over centuries who have wandered through the doors to seek peace and freedom and assurance regarding some of life’s most challenging questions … death, sickness, relationships, good & evil. I simply sit in the quiet of these churches and think and receive emotions and reflected on generations of humans just like me. We’re unique yet we aren’t.